Letters… Home?

St. Paul's C.B.S.

28/07/15

Dear Mum,

I have finally arrived in Dublin after a three-hour flight. School will start in a month at the beginning of September. I really hope I have the time to learn enough English before then.  Other than the language I’ve seen many other differences. My immediate observation has been the climate. It’s always raining here, and it can be rare to have weather nice enough to spend time outside. I hope Dad gets a new job back home. Why is he always so career oriented?

‘Til we see again, Spencer B.

 … 7/10/15

Dear Mum,

Today is my birthday. We had a chocolate cake and went out to the cinema; I really enjoyed it. I’ve also been in school for over a month now means I’ve gotten used to hearing it daily.   It is very difficult to chat with my classmates. After a while they realized I don’t talk well and now they ignore me. They don’t even feel the need to bully me. They find me boring and just don’t talk to me. I wish I was back in Estonia with my friends. I miss you. The only silver lining to this is that I can at least understand most of what they talk about. I also don’t have to do Irish and I’m given extra classes for English instead. I crave for a day I don’t need to use what I learn here.

With love,  Spencer B.

 … 14/11/15

Dear Mum,

We have moved to Dublin last week. We did this because Dad got a better job here. We now live a slight walking distance from the city centre. More importantly, I have a friend called Kevin now. He’s Estonian as well but he doesn’t speak the language. While I was initially disappointed, he still wanted to be friends. He’s been very nice to me as he’s been here for a lot longer. Furthermore, at least I can speak somewhat broken English now. While this has helped me tremendously, I still dream to come back every single day.

With love,  Spencer B.

 … 12/04/17

Dear Mum,

I have even more friends now; Kevin introduced me to them. Now I don’t feel as lonely as I did for the past year. I sometimes even forget I’m not at home; This kills me inside.

Please reply,  Spencer B.

 … 17/05/19

Dear Diary,

My Mum has stopped responding to my letters. The last answers would always cheer my day up, however minuscule they were. I have begun to wonder of whether or not she actually loves me. Ever since the divorce, her replies have been more and more distant.  The distance between me and home has been terrifying, having to rest so far from it; At least the panic attacks have stopped. It is for this reason that for four years, nine months, and nineteen days, I have been hoping to return home one day. I always thought this was reasonable.

I always thought I knew where that home was.

Now… I’m not sure I have one.