Seeing as Mam keeps sending me worried text messages, I’ve decided to update ye on my “Great Adventure”, as it’s known by intellectuals up in Trinners. We’re hoping to head to Kathmandu soon, so I’ll let you pay the ticket, for my AER LINGUS flight. Happy to hear everyone’s doing well at home Kathleen but I didn’t need to know all the gory details. And Maureen I know you’re worried, so if you really care I want you to force Mam on the issue I need to tell you about. You see I’ve just been selected by the Thai Police to feature in the next airing of hit network TV show Banged up Brit’s abroad (They won’t compromise on the name so I’m a Brit, for now, I know Granda would turn in his grave)! The major issue with this television show is that they’re changing to a more real-time agenda, so you’ll be able to watch my experiences from home. The other issue is that when I say “chosen” I mean arrested. I’ve been arrested, Mam. Now I know what you’re thinking, “What’s that cheeky little waster gone and done now?”. Well, Mam, I tell you, not a word of a lie I had narcotics planted on me! Someone managed to strap a sizable amount of prescription drugs to my chest without my knowledge, crazy right? I know you’ll believe me but I’m not sure the police here will. Now, Mam, I know you and Da have had your differences, but you need to ask him to send me 60,000£ within the next week or they will [REDACTED} ok? Well, while I’m waiting for the guard I may as well tell you about some of my experiences in this beautiful country. Now one of my favourite experiences has been the street markets. The fabulous food, tantalizing smells and alluring corridors have given me close to a sensory overload, which really masks the smell of raw sewage. And Mam I don’t want to alarm you, but I might be bringing a girl home with me. At least I hope it’s a girl… Well not to worry. I’ve also stayed in some fabulous hotels here, dirt cheap, and clean to boot and they’re akin to the most luxurious of Dublin Hotels! I’d really suggest you come here when you retire Mam if it weren’t for all the corrupt officials, pickpockets, sewage, poisoned food, poverty, and oppression. But if you can get past those minor issues, there’s nothing better than a glass of Kombucha and one of these beautiful sunsets! Well Ladies and Gents I’m going to have to go away from you, I can hear the guard approaching. Hopefully this letter reaches you in good health (mine and yours) and that my cellmate Ruben can get this through to his contact. I can’t imagine what he wants in return.
Wait…. All the Best, Sean