I can make up some pretty far fetched stories, as you know. From pretending to be a clown, zookeeper, to even Gordon Ramsay. But let it be known that I’m not joking with this one. I still can’t believe it myself but I’ll try to explain this the best I can. So, as you know from my letters, I was heading off to America for a holiday. So I got some A-Class tickets and headed to the airport. I saw a very posh lady with a chihuahua (PL = Posh Lady), a strong (yet full of himself) Russian man (SM = Strong Man) and a teenager glued to their Switch (ST = Switch Teenager) . Remember. These. Three. Anway, after I got my tickets, I started to walk towards the plane with PL, SM and ST. I noticed it looked a bit… vertical? But I shrugged it off and boarded it. We all sat down in our seats when the voice-over (VO) said, “T-MINUS 10 SECONDS UNTIL LIFT-OFF” in a mechanical tone. I said, “Wait, why’d he say that? It’s not like we’re on a rock-”. Then it hit me. Before anyone could do anything, the VO said “LIFT-OFF”. We shot off at such force that a chicken would be scrambled egg by the end of it. It stayed propelling up for 5 whole minutes. When it stopped, 60 passengers were stuck in space. Naturally, people started screaming. PL started yelling, “Oh no! Who will drive my Lamborghini now!?” SM didn’t seem fazed. “Eh, this is nothing for the great Charkovsky!” he said. He lifted suitcases, bags and laptops with ease as he waded to the control panel. “Ah! Look!” he exclaimed pointing at a button, “It says Return! If it wasn’t for me, we’d be stuck here!” He pressed the button and an escape pod shot out at breakneck speed. Everyone stood there, mouths wide open. SM just stood there blankly. Then he shrivelled up faster than a grape in the sun into a nervous wreck and sobbed. People started coming over to comfort him. I said “OK, that’s fine, we still have one pod!” As soon as I said that, ST was frantically hopping around with his controllers saying “Take that, Bowser!” He then knocked against the panel, sending the only other escape pod flying. Everyone was pretty much ready to send him out as well until PL tried calming everyone down. “Look everyone, it’s fine. You all have your… peasant possessions and I still have my Smoochikins… Smoochikins?” Everyone looked at the panel. “Smoochikins” the chihuahua was going to the loo on the controls. “NOOOOOO!!!!!!” everyone screamed. The rocket dived down with everyone hurtling around in pure fear. With it plunging down through the stratosphere, it splashed down into the water… water directly next to the American airport! There were NASA employees waiting with embarrassed expressions. They explained that they thought we were a group of astronauts ready to take off for Mars. They gave everyone some compensation (and a hug for SM) and we headed off.
I definitely won’t be doing that episode again, but who knows Mammy? I’ve pretended to be many things… but maybe an astronaut wouldn’t be a bad idea?