The page I scratch these words upon glows a brilliant lemon colour, soaked in the sunlight of the relentless Namibian sun. Please know that I choose them with care; these words which carry my love, which I hope will reach you overseas and across worlds. I pray that God delivers them to you Caoimhe safely and that hence, they bring solace such that I have newly found. They carry me in them. Writing this will be hard but for you, for my own sanity, it is a letter I must write. These words carry me in them and I know that they will bring me home. God, of course, created me and his followers- the men I have journeyed with for the last two decades- have shaped me. The terrible and cruel things I have witnessed, the challenges and blessings I have met, the beautiful people I have connected with- they have all left their print on my heart. My experiences have taught me so much about our world and I know that I shall forever marvel at the phenomenon that is God’s Creation.
In the last few months, however, a malaise has grown within me. You know that few things give me as much joy and peace as serving God through helping others. My path in life is to raise those less fortunate than I, to lift those who have fallen, to mend those who are broken, to find those who are lost. Of this, I have always been certain. When I found this path in Africa- with the Order- I felt so happy. I was at peace. Yet, something has changed. I feel an uncertain weariness, not of my body and bones, but in the sense that my spirit aches. When I first began to feel this way I couldn’t admit it, even to myself, so great was my disappointment. I know now, however, or at least I think I do, that while my journey with the Order is drawing to a natural end, my duty to God will not cease- my faith in him will not waver. Like the miraculous cycles of life, I sense that a new journey awaits me back home. There is another reason and I while it has taken me some time to come to terms with my sentiments I am no longer afraid to express them. She is beautiful inside and out Caoimhe, she is my rock and has become my reason. I have such wonderful dreams of you meeting her, of standing with her hand in mine in front of a priest who would bless us as I have done for so many. Oh yes, the miraculous cycles of life… Caoimhe we want to start a family! Now, my dear sister, do not for a moment entertain the thought that I regret any of the decisions which have duly resulted in my current disposition for I do not. Likewise in reading these words, do not wonder at my sincerity- my journey continues – just on a different path. Now it brings me peace. I feel as youthful as the day I was confirmed, as light as the breeze which now rustles my paper and as resolved as the ink which stains it. Caoimhe, I can’t wait to see you.
I hope, when I come home, that it brings you peace too.