31st January 2019
Dear Dr Nelly,
I’m taking your advice and facing my fears. I can’t move forward with my life while I am still living in the past. By doing this I’m leaving myself exposed, but this is a risk I’m willing to take. For this reason, I’ve decided to go home. I’ve made travel arrangements to get to Cork and I leave in a few hours. Honestly, I don’t know where my strength and courage has come from but I welcome it. Am I making a bad decision? Quite possibly, Yes. It could be the answer to my problems though. That’s what I have to figure out. My fear is a real emotion that is triggered by a perceived threat that leaves my paralysed at time, and not knowing what to expect. It’s weakening my memories, I can’t let that happen. It is having a physical effect on my body. The trembling and shaking all over, that I experience when I go back there. The shortness of breath and the smothering feeling that comes over me. I have tried to fight the fear. I have taken time out because it’s impossible to think clearly when you’re flooded with anxiety. I’ve talked about this to you. I have visualised a happy place, now I realise that I haven’t tried at all. Now I am going to the beginning. I need to remember what got me here. Something has to change if I want to get better. I need to put in the work. No one can help me if I don’t want to try too. I know my issues won’t go away overnight but this is a start. I haven’t felt this positive in years. It’s strange though. I have so many negative feelings right now, yet I’m focused on one minute emotion floating around my chest. Hope. I read that poem “Hope is the thing with feathers” you suggested. Emily Dickinson really does have a way with words. I feel like she understands me, or maybe I understand her? She has clearly gone through a tough time (to which I can relate) yet she has hope. She can still see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is faint. Eventually, I want to have the strength she had when she wrote this. I have never seen someone write the truth so well. It’s got me thinking if hope is what I’m missing. I’ll call you when I’m home to set up an appointment. I really hope this will be a little holiday to remember and not a nightmare. Thank you.